Switching Seeds

Same time last year, I remember ending the year angry and disappointed. What a way to welcome 2011. I can't stop laughing now... No wonder this year gave me so much headaches! Haha!

As the saying goes, "you reap what you sow". I sowed seeds of anger and it bit me back really hard with a big snarl! I sowed seeds of disappointment and I got what I asked for magnified ten times! It doesn't take a genius to figure things out. I made poor choices. I keep on picking the wrong seeds. I guess that's why life gave me a hard time... You know, just to knock the sense out of me. It's like God telling me, "My child, you could do a lot better than that." Well, heck yeah!

All of this nostalgic drama was induced when I was looking at my Belle De Jour Diary Book and my Date Book. I looked at the blank spaces... My heart is overwhelmed over the thought that I will fill them with wonderful and happy memories this time. I'm very excited to meet new people, learn new things and visit new places. I'm moving from the backseat and grabbing the wheel of my life. No one should be responsible for my happiness or sadness but me. And obviously, the choice is easy to make. Of course, I choose happiness! I know i could never do it without my "champions"---my God, my family, friends (aka therapists haha), coaches and my dog.

Cobe never failed to brighten up my day. ^_^

Mommy is my greatest champion 

Every hero, in my case heroine, needs a posse. I have an amazing posse and I'm bringing them with me as I move on to truly living life, wether they like it or not. :-b

I now know what I want and need to succeed in life. I've got a new attitude and I now face problems head-on. I'm sick of negativities and dramatic issues. Im planting a new set of seeds this time. I will face all of them with my bright smile, optimism and loving attitude! <3

I survived 2011 with much grace and love... So 2012, I can't wait for you! Bring it on!

Of Giving

I am about to add in another year into my rollercoaster ride called life in days time. Being brought up in a family with modest financial resources, I was blessed with annual birthday dinners, sometimes parties, and treated to wonderful gifts. Year after year, I look forward to my birthday for numerous selfish reasons. It was MY day after all, why not receive all the love I can get, right? But then, that was the old me. This year has been a year of overwhelming personal growth and milestones. Finally, my God knocked the sense out of me. It was painful that I got torn into this little pieces of uncertainty and questions. Who am I again? Then, gradually, I found myself through other people. My friends, my family, colleagues and more through my enemies. Through these people, I've learned again how to become me and how to make better choices in life. I felt so loved by the people I previously took for granted. The scars of my pain and failures only magnified my appreciation of how much I am loved and how I overlooked so many things. I felt ashamed. I've been generously given and still receiving yet I am not giving at all. A deep desire to return and share my gifts was stirred. I decided that I want to celebrate my birthday differently this year. This year, I wanted to give.

My eager intention to share my blessings was further inspired by a friend of mine, Kathleen Madula, who also planned to hold a simple charity benefit for her birthday this year. She allowed me to join her benefit. She already accomplished solicitations for sponsorships, scheduling and logistics. On the other hand, I hosted our impromptu program, held a mini-lecturette/forum with Zenaida Gomez and prepared the prizes/goodies which were sponsored by Zenaida Gomez and Daven Arcega. Our simple benefit was held last October 29, 2011 at Grace To Be Born Shelter, Pasig City.

Me holding one of our gifts

On that day, I felt different. Yeah, I've been to this kind of activity before. I've went through lots of outreach programs and medical missions more than I could count but this was different. It was because we were there to celebrate our special day with people we don't know and give them a part of us. It was a day of  revelation for me. I came to give and impart a part of me but I received more. I felt their happiness and gratitude when they received our gifts, when they ate the food we prepared and when we were just chatting with each other. As we come to know their stories and took a glimpse of their life, I've realized these are strong women. Amidst adversities, they stand by their belief to keep their unborn child.  They smiled and laughed as if nothing is bothering them. They are happy and contented because they chose to be. They are true heroes of their own households. Strong women running against all odds. I realized that any one of them could be my hero.

Many people are seemed too keen to take "whatever they deserve" because it's their right. Yes, it can bring you happiness and contentment... but now I've learned that you get to receive more when you give. Generosity mirrors everything back to you in ways not understood by a selfish heart. I came there hands full of gifts for others and left with my heart outpouring and filled with love. This year is indeed the best year of my rollercoaster life. I am indeed blessed.

If you  want to know the details of our benefit, you may visit my friend Kathleen's Blog (link below):

http://kathmadula.com/2011/11/a-day-in-grace-to-be-born-shelter/

Bucket List

"Never tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon." Unknown

I lie wide awake in my bed doing nothing again after doing nothing the whole day. I have a medical exam to prepare for and my IELTS exam is also upcoming real soon. I have done so many things for the past few months alone but I have been awfully lazy lately. I suddenly realized, I am stuck. I then jerked myself out of my bed and got hold of the tattered notebook I had while I was attending a life coaching program before. I was then embarrassed of myself when i saw my list of life goals then. I have actually accomplished most of my goals achievable at this point in time. A knowing feeling punched me right into my guts. I actually aimed much lower than I should have. I was capable of so many things but I was not willing to admit to myself that I was. I am rather disappointed of myself.

" Your attitude, not your aptitude, determines your altitude." Zig Ziglar

So I reckoned, I will make a new list. I initially wanted to call it my "WISH or DREAM LIST" but i don't want them to stay just wishes or dreams. Then I remembered the word "Bucket List", straight from the movie of the same name. Then I wondered, why such a list of activities to do before you die is named as such. After research (yes I did research), i learned that it was adapted from the old phrase "kicking the bucket" which means "dying or passing away". Although I have reservations with the words "death or passing away", i think it would be nice to accomplish things before I ultimately lose all opportunity.

I included all that I've ever listed in my previous "wish list" since I was a child and added the ones from my latest list since the program. I've updated them and checked out the ones I've accomplished so far. I also deleted some goals that I'm not too proud of (hehehe). I will continuously update this as I come to encounter more outrageous goals to make my life more exciting (^_^). I hope to accomplish everything and I'm gonna do it!

☑ Become a licensed medical doctor

☐ Enter a residency program in a good medical institution

☐ Pass all accreditation exams in that certain residency program

☐ Be affiliated in a respectable medical institution and have a good medical practice WITH GOOD PAY ^_^

☑ Learn how to drive (stickshift)

☑ Learn how to sing and perform on stage

☑ Do ziplining

☑ Do a recording of me singing
☑ Have my own Blog (duh!)

☑ Learn how to bake

☑ Have 1000+ friends in Facebook (found out this was too easy eventually ^_^)

☑ Be involved in charity

☐ Have a full makeover

☑ Be involved in a fun run

☐ Climb Mount Apo (gulp) and have my picture taken there

☑ Learn how to drink alcohol judiciously

☐ Have a portrait of me done and displayed

☐ Learn how to paint properly and have one of my art displayed on my home and sell some

☐ Learn how to dance and perform

☐ Learn how to do yoga and acquire it as a lifestyle

☐ Learn how to cook, preferably enroll in a culinary school

☐ Learn and do scuba diving

☐ Learn and do para sailing

☐ Learn and do skim boarding

☐ Learn and do surfing

☐ Do bunjee jumping

☐ Ride a helicopter

☐ Skydiving!

☐ Ride and drive a race car

☐ Have a photoshoot in a professional studio with my close friends

☐ Learn photography and have my own portfolio
☐ Travel around the Philippines (Top 10)
                 ☑ Camiguin                                ☐ Coron, Palawan
                 ☑ Puerto Princesa, Palawan      ☑ Boracay
                 ☑ Ilocos                                      ☐ Cebu

                 ☑ Baguio                                    ☐ Siargao

                 ☑ Bohol                                      ☐ Davao

☐ Travel around the world (Top 10)
                 ☐ France                                     ☐ Brazil

                 ☐ Rome                                      ☐ Australia

                 ☐ Japan                                      ☐ Germany

                 ☐ Italy                                        ☐ Greece

                 ☑Singapore                                ☐ England

☐ See all the 7 New Wonders of the World

                 ☐ Chichen Itza - Yucatan, Mexico

                 ☐ Christ the Redeemer - Rio De Janeiro, Brazil

                 ☐ Colosseum - Rome, Italy

                 ☐ Great Wall of China - People's Republic of China

                 ☐ Machu Picchu - Cuzco Region, Peru

                 ☐ Petra - Ma'an Governorate, Jordan

                 ☐ Taj Mahal - Agra, India

☐ See the Great Pyramid Complex at Giza, Egypt

☐ Go to Disneyland

☑ Go to Universal Studios

☐ Be a delegate at a World Youth Day Pilgrimage

☐ See the Pope

☑ Own a car (hopefully, the last one would be a luxury car)

☐ Own a big house

☐ Own a business, preferably pastry shop, book shop or a coffee shop

☐ Migrate to Canada (gulp)

☐ Acquire Canadian Citizenship (bigger gulp)

☐ Acquire a Canadian Passport (biggest gulp)

☐ Fall in love with the right person, my soulmate

☐ Get married at the Transfiguration Chapel, Caleruega, Batangas

☐ Have children someday

☐ Breed dogs and earn from it

☐ Write a novel or a book and have it published

☐ Be a professor of Psychology or, even better, any subject in the field of medicine

☐ Be involved in research

☐ Become a forum or a conference speaker

☑ Insure myself

☑ Make someone feel special and loved and keep that person in my heart forever

☐ Change the life of a person unrelated to me forever

"By recording your dreams and goals on paper, you set in motion the process of becoming the person you most want to be." Mark Victore Hansen

Rest assured that I have also written this down in paper for future reference. ^_^

My Crossroad

I stand alone at the edge of a crossroad. The first path was undoubtedly shorter, straighter and brightly lit but the destination was of great uncertainty. In contrast, the other path appears indeterminable, ruthlessly crooked and poorly lit but there is a promise of great surprise and blessing. It is the inevitable crossroad of my life. I had passed this crossroad before and knew it--I had chosen poorly.

We are but creatures in a continuing cycle of learning and turning points. Struggles are encountered. Mistakes are made. Learning is ensured with a fleeting promise of never repeating the error. Only a handful are lucky to possess the elusive answers to all consuming questions that lead others to their ruin. A greater number of us are smart enough to learn from the mistakes of others. Yet, surprisingly, the answer was simple. That in all afflictions in the road of life to divine happiness, the answer is the one we dread the most--that is to expect pain and hardship along the way. Growth then occurs when we choose to surrender. The struggle begins when we choose the brightly lit road to short-lived happiness. Most of those who have "learned" forgets. The emerging culture is sadly embodying a tendency to avoid pain and hardship.

Being a child of the recent generation, I have forgotten and was jolted by a distant memory. A familiar inkling that I have faced this before. I'm yet again at the edge of this familiar crossroad. The urge to whine and blame was overwhelming. I knew the answer but I disappointingly chose to hesitate and pretend. Every moment of dallying and delay is one step toward stagnation and my ultimate ruin.

Looking at the horizon of my past and what lies ahead, I know in my heart that I will choose differently now. The right choice was glaring in front of me and I choose to surrender. I choose to be happy and have a life of blessing, maybe not now but definitely for a bright future years ahead. I purposefully took my first step onto that dreadful crooked road. I surrender, push on and leap forward. True happiness is awaiting my arrival.

The Burning

Yellow. Orange. Red... then soon flickers to dull black and gray. The heat is warm and welcoming. The smell of candles slowly melting is stuffy to the nose. The site of the burning pyre mirrors everything.

There are lots of metaphors to life... They say its like a wheel where there are always ups and downs. Some would say it's a game, where everyone play different roles. Others say it's like a book where chapters are continuously lived out and occasionally forgotten. Life can also be a song...a dream...a battle...a mystery. Whatever life is, it is always lived. There is an endless cycle of struggle and hope... A hope that wherever anyone is, they are where they are meant to be.  

For her, life just opened a new chapter. The previous chapter she was in was remarkable and full of learning. If it was truly a book, it would be wise to mark the page with a crease for future reference. She is now ready. Eager to bid farewell to the past and say hello to what is ahead of her. She is ready to clear a space for the future... to put everything where it is meant to be so she can welcome what is coming.

She lightheartedly put all of the objects in a small empty box, now full, and locked it away. She lovingly put the letters aside after she drained herself of all emotions.  She carefully lit the candles and slowly put the burning glass in place. She tore all of the pieces of paper and lit it one by one...placed them in the glass.

Now she sees them. White papers amidst hues of yellow, orange and red... and felt it. The warm release of everything she had been keeping. The feeling of freedom from the prison she had put herself in. The emotions torched with the tongues of flame are now dull and gray... exhausted of whatever meaning they had. Then the glass cracked, forced by the heat of the combustion. Mirroring exactly how she feels inside. Cracked but free. She now had paid her respects. What's left is just her and the ashes. She carefully put them away with a free heart and a happy smile. She knows. Everything will be just fine. 

Revolution

Before anything else, I would like to profess that I'm a nutcase. I'm a volcano about to erupt. I'm a blazing fire about to toast anyone... and I'm about to eat someone alive. 

They say writing could creatively express something you could not express outloud...and I am telling you, I have done that a lot. Enough is enough. 

I've spent so many months trying to process why everything happened and I've finally learned to accept the idea that I "might" have been the one at fault. I've went through so much therapeutic blabber just to get something out of my chest and keep my emotional self from killing my physical body. I actually took the responsibility upon my shoulders on the premise that I was told the truth. The process was painful when everything is slapped back at your face, when you believe that you are miserable because you made it happen. It was cathartic!!!

Only to find out that I was told the biggest and the oldest lie in the book and the truth with "point evidence" was plastered INTO MY FACE! I was right from the start. All that gut feel I was too afraid to believe and tried to control because I was sounding crazy and unreasonable was indeed right. Now, I am back to square one and this time I can't resolve into the idea that what just happened was my fault. How could anyone muster such facade of being totally honest but harboring the biggest  lie in the world??? How could I have been trusting? For all the neurons in my brain working at its best, how could I have been fooled???

From anger and frustration, I want to shift back into love and acceptance. I've spent so many months trying to process why everything happened and I've finally resolved that I am the same nutcase as ever. However, this nutcase has now have a very powerful love. She is letting go of what lies and premises that were made... so much hurt is not good to anyone. I surrender to life and its oh so capricious whirlwinds. What comes around goes around, and I will never left myself end up to be the one crying. I was born a winner WITH CLASS! Nutcase or not, I deserve something much much much better.