Saturday, August 20, 2011

The Burning

Yellow. Orange. Red... then soon flickers to dull black and gray. The heat is warm and welcoming. The smell of candles slowly melting is stuffy to the nose. The site of the burning pyre mirrors everything.

There are lots of metaphors to life... They say its like a wheel where there are always ups and downs. Some would say it's a game, where everyone play different roles. Others say it's like a book where chapters are continuously lived out and occasionally forgotten. Life can also be a song...a dream...a battle...a mystery. Whatever life is, it is always lived. There is an endless cycle of struggle and hope... A hope that wherever anyone is, they are where they are meant to be.  

For her, life just opened a new chapter. The previous chapter she was in was remarkable and full of learning. If it was truly a book, it would be wise to mark the page with a crease for future reference. She is now ready. Eager to bid farewell to the past and say hello to what is ahead of her. She is ready to clear a space for the future... to put everything where it is meant to be so she can welcome what is coming.

She lightheartedly put all of the objects in a small empty box, now full, and locked it away. She lovingly put the letters aside after she drained herself of all emotions.  She carefully lit the candles and slowly put the burning glass in place. She tore all of the pieces of paper and lit it one by one...placed them in the glass.

Now she sees them. White papers amidst hues of yellow, orange and red... and felt it. The warm release of everything she had been keeping. The feeling of freedom from the prison she had put herself in. The emotions torched with the tongues of flame are now dull and gray... exhausted of whatever meaning they had. Then the glass cracked, forced by the heat of the combustion. Mirroring exactly how she feels inside. Cracked but free. She now had paid her respects. What's left is just her and the ashes. She carefully put them away with a free heart and a happy smile. She knows. Everything will be just fine. 

Saturday, August 13, 2011


Before anything else, I would like to profess that I'm a nutcase. I'm a volcano about to erupt. I'm a blazing fire about to toast anyone... and I'm about to eat someone alive. 

They say writing could creatively express something you could not express outloud...and I am telling you, I have done that a lot. Enough is enough. 

I've spent so many months trying to process why everything happened and I've finally learned to accept the idea that I "might" have been the one at fault. I've went through so much therapeutic blabber just to get something out of my chest and keep my emotional self from killing my physical body. I actually took the responsibility upon my shoulders on the premise that I was told the truth. The process was painful when everything is slapped back at your face, when you believe that you are miserable because you made it happen. It was cathartic!!!

Only to find out that I was told the biggest and the oldest lie in the book and the truth with "point evidence" was plastered INTO MY FACE! I was right from the start. All that gut feel I was too afraid to believe and tried to control because I was sounding crazy and unreasonable was indeed right. Now, I am back to square one and this time I can't resolve into the idea that what just happened was my fault. How could anyone muster such facade of being totally honest but harboring the biggest  lie in the world??? How could I have been trusting? For all the neurons in my brain working at its best, how could I have been fooled???

From anger and frustration, I want to shift back into love and acceptance. I've spent so many months trying to process why everything happened and I've finally resolved that I am the same nutcase as ever. However, this nutcase has now have a very powerful love. She is letting go of what lies and premises that were made... so much hurt is not good to anyone. I surrender to life and its oh so capricious whirlwinds. What comes around goes around, and I will never left myself end up to be the one crying. I was born a winner WITH CLASS! Nutcase or not, I deserve something much much much better.