They say writing could creatively express something you could not express outloud...and I am telling you, I have done that a lot. Enough is enough.
I've spent so many months trying to process why everything happened and I've finally learned to accept the idea that I "might" have been the one at fault. I've went through so much therapeutic blabber just to get something out of my chest and keep my emotional self from killing my physical body. I actually took the responsibility upon my shoulders on the premise that I was told the truth. The process was painful when everything is slapped back at your face, when you believe that you are miserable because you made it happen. It was cathartic!!!
Only to find out that I was told the biggest and the oldest lie in the book and the truth with "point evidence" was plastered INTO MY FACE! I was right from the start. All that gut feel I was too afraid to believe and tried to control because I was sounding crazy and unreasonable was indeed right. Now, I am back to square one and this time I can't resolve into the idea that what just happened was my fault. How could anyone muster such facade of being totally honest but harboring the biggest lie in the world??? How could I have been trusting? For all the neurons in my brain working at its best, how could I have been fooled???
From anger and frustration, I want to shift back into love and acceptance. I've spent so many months trying to process why everything happened and I've finally resolved that I am the same nutcase as ever. However, this nutcase has now have a very powerful love. She is letting go of what lies and premises that were made... so much hurt is not good to anyone. I surrender to life and its oh so capricious whirlwinds. What comes around goes around, and I will never left myself end up to be the one crying. I was born a winner WITH CLASS! Nutcase or not, I deserve something much much much better.